Hidden in the Heart Read online

  “Claire, are you serious?” He raked his fingers through his hair, eyebrows shooting skyward. “You think I’m having an affair?”

  “We’re separated,” she whispered, studying the weaving grain in the oak. She ran a finger around a dark brown circle on the wood, her vision blurring.

  “Do you honestly think I would do something like that?” His voice lowered and he let out a muted curse. “Claire, look at me.”

  She raised her head, afraid of what she might see.

  James reached across the table and took her hands in his. “I love you. You’re my wife. End of story. But you’re worrying me to death. I can see you’re still not sleeping well. When was the last time you ate a proper meal? You’re as thin as a rail. And this drinking…”

  Claire shrugged off his acute observations and looked away, but his touch burned on her skin. She pulled her fingers from his grasp. “Don’t worry about me. I’m fine.”

  James grabbed her hand again, forcing her to look at him. His eyes glinted in the soft morning light, capturing her own within them. She could quite happily lose herself in those eyes and pretend…

  “No, Claire,” he told her, his voice catching. “You’re not fine, you’re existing. There’s a big difference.”

  “I don’t know how else to get through it.”

  “You’ve got options. People who love you and want to help you. You’ve shut us all out. Me, Mel, everyone at church, they’d all be there for you in a second.”

  Yeah, right. That’s why none of them had called or come to see her in months. She’d been silently excommunicated. But who could blame them? Communion wine wasn’t safe when she was around. “What do you want me to do?”

  “I’ve told you.” He sat back and folded his arms across his chest, resolute.

  “Counseling. A.A.” Claire wiped her eyes.

  James nodded. “I can’t do this, Claire. I don’t want to live with an alcoholic. You know what we went through with my father. I’m not going through it with my wife.”

  Claire blinked at his words, her hope fading. “Your dad’s good now, though, right? I mean…I…I could be fine too. We could be fine.” She felt about as fine as a patient coming out of brain surgery and the tremor in his hands told her he wasn’t doing much better. “I mean…last night…”

  He shrugged, pulling at the collar of his shirt. “One night together doesn’t change anything. It doesn’t magically solve our problems. You didn’t expect it would, did you?”

  Heat rushed to her cheeks and she stared into her half empty mug. “I wanted it to.”

  But life wasn’t that simple.

  “I don’t know what I’m supposed to do.” James pushed his fingers through his hair. “You’ve made it quite clear you don’t want to be with me. But then you…you let me in again…you give me hope. It’s confusing. I need to know what you want, Claire. What you’re willing to do to save this marriage. Do you understand what I’m saying?”

  The pain of their past stood in his eyes. Things longed for and dreamed of that would not now come to pass. The realization dragged her heart to her feet. She did understand. And he had every right to feel the way he did.

  “Claire? Will you go to counseling, A.A? Come back to church with me?”

  “Church?” And listen to how great God was? The same God who’d allowed her mother to wither away to a mere skeleton, struggling for her last breath, her eyes glazed with pain and morphine. The same God who’d snatched precious life from her womb as she slept, given no warning and no consolation after the crime had been committed.

  A God who offered no comfort, no compassion, only condemnation each time she looked in the mirror.

  Claire pressed her back against the chair and clenched her fists.

  “No.” She shook her head and watched a shadow creep across his face. Outside the dogs barked, probably chasing birds or the mail truck. “No. I’m not going back to church. God is just…I don’t know what to think anymore.”

  James scowled. “You’re blaming God?”

  “Why shouldn’t I?”

  He leaned forward, his eyes intent as they bore into her. “You can’t blame God for your mother’s death or the miscarriages or our problems.”

  Claire studied her husband, raw, blistering emotion oozing over the pleasure she’d found in his arms only hours ago. She remembered the look on his face the days following her return from the hospital. The unspoken accusation that ran between them reared its ugly head once more. The same one he consistently denied, yet she constantly felt whenever they were together.

  “If it’s not God’s fault, then it’s mine.”

  The seething silence that followed annihilated what was left of her heart.

  Eventually he spoke. “So where do we go from here?”

  “I don’t know.”

  He pushed back his chair and walked across the room, opening the screen door to allow the dogs in. They raced to their water bowls. Claire listened to their lapping and tamped the dark thoughts as they made their approach like a sleek panther snaking through the jungle ready to pounce on unsuspecting prey.

  She rose and went to where he stood, placed a hand on his cheek. “I’m so sorry I hurt you, Jamie.” Deep sorrow rolled in like a morning tide. Birdsong filtered in through the open window. A reminder of an ordinary day in which the sun rose and would set as usual, but everything in her world had already changed. “It’s not that I don’t love you. It was never that.”

  He emitted a faltering laugh and pinched his eyes shut with his thumb and forefinger. “If I didn’t know you so well, I’d think you were playing games with me.”

  Claire fought against the insidious emotion that threatened to derail her at any second. Falling apart would serve no purpose. “I’m not.”

  “I know you’re not.”

  The tears in his eyes brought Claire’s hand to her mouth. James shifted slightly, turning from her. After a moment, he faced her again, cupping her face between his hands, his fingers cold as they pressed into her cheeks.

  “I don’t want to lose you. If I could change things, make it so none of it ever happened, I would.” The pain and tremor of regret in his voice only intensified her guilt.

  Claire put some distance between them. “I know you would. And I…I know I’m not handling this well. I just...I can’t seem to get through it.”

  “It doesn’t seem like you’re trying very hard.” His blunt tone scared her.

  “I don’t know what life is supposed to look like anymore, Jamie. How do we just go on?”

  “We don’t have a choice.”

  “We keep trying?”

  His eyes clouded. “We could talk about adoption. If…”

  Claire sat down again, wound her thumbs together and glanced his way. “I don’t know. I’m scared.”

  He went back to stand at the door, stretched out his arms and shot her a sidelong look. “Mel told me you were talking about searching for your birth parents. You really think that’s a good idea?”

  “I suppose you don’t.”

  “Well, you’re not exactly the picture of stability right now, are you?”

  Claire pushed her chair back and went to the sink, her eyes burning. Her mug slipped from her shaking hand and crashed against yesterday’s dishes. “Maybe this is my way of moving on, Jamie. Maybe if I knew...”

  “Claire, for the last time, it wasn’t your fault.” James gave a muted groan and covered his face with one hand.

  Claire walked across the room, pulled his hand down and met his startled eyes. “I need to know that for myself. I can’t go on wondering…thinking you’re wondering…I need to know. I need to find my birth mother.”

  “And just how do you plan to that?”

  “I think she was from Maine. I was planning a trip there, to see if I could uncover anything.” She explained her findings in her father’s study, but it was almost as though he didn’t hear her.

  “You’re going away.” His eyes shone with disbeli
ef. “When?”

  “In a few weeks. Next month, the beginning of May.”

  “You know what next month is.”

  “Our anniversary.” Claire moved around the kitchen, her throat thick. Her mother’s prized violets, long dead, sat on the granite counter by the stove, mocking in silent witness to all the failures of the past year. “I already booked a room. But I can change it. If you want me to stay.”

  James tapped his bare foot against the hardwood. A thin smile crossed his face. “And if I said I did? That would just give you one more thing to hold against me, wouldn’t it?”

  “You’re being ridiculous.”

  “Am I?” He raised an eyebrow, his jaw tight. “I’m tired of you doing whatever you want, Claire. I’m always giving in, letting you have your own way regardless of how I feel. Maybe you don’t even realize it. You’ve always lived that way. You snap your fingers and everybody jumps. Well, maybe for once, you should consider somebody else’s feelings besides your own.”

  Claire shivered and rubbed her arms. “I’m just trying to get some answers. You don’t know what it’s like…not knowing where you came from or why you were given up.”

  “That’s a load of crap, Claire. This has never come up before. Why now? I’ll tell you why. You’re running away. And you know it.” James stepped back, challenging her to deny it as he stared unflinching.

  “Have you lost your mind?”

  “No, I think I’ve found it.” His hazel eyes glinted in the sunlight streaming through the glass door. “I’m your husband and I’m telling you to stay home. We’re going to fix this marriage. You’re going to counseling with me. You’re going to quit drinking, get off the pills and start taking responsibility for your actions. I’m not letting you go, Claire.”

  Claire opened her mouth to speak but shut it quickly. What she wanted to say would not go over well. “Get over yourself, Jamie. You can’t demand I stay. You sound like some throwback husband from the fifties. I need to get away. I’m going to get the answers I’m looking for and maybe…maybe I’ll be able to get over all this and put my life back together. I can’t do that here.”

  He huffed out a sigh and she watched defeat move over him like an approaching storm. “I think you’re making a big mistake. I don’t see what good can come of it.”

  “Now you’re sounding like my father.”

  “For once your father and I agree on something.”

  Anger rushed in and brought more tension with it. James’ low voiced echoed around her and bounced off the wall she’d built around her heart. Part of her just wanted to smack him, yet she realized that some of what he’d said was true. She was running away.

  He opened the door and went outside. Claire followed, paced the back patio and tried to find some semblance of calm while she searched for words to explain how she really felt. James sat on the low wall that bordered the spacious courtyard. Leaves blew over the black tarp that covered the swimming pool.

  “Would you just…please listen to me?”

  He hunched over, tapped out a beat on his knees and shrugged. “Go on.”

  Claire breathed in the fresh morning air and latched onto courage. “It’s always been in the back of my mind, the unanswered questions, not knowing where I really came from. I just never talked about it. The first time I found out I was pregnant, I thought about it more. That baby was the first real connection I ever had to me. I wondered if she would have my nose. My hair.” Claire exhaled, pushing back memories of happier days. “And every time…I ask those same questions. I’ve never known anyone that looked like me.”

  James gave a muted groan, put his head in his hands and sat like that for a long while.

  Claire found her voice again. “Maybe you can’t understand that. And yes, it might seem like I’m running away, and maybe I am, but I know I can’t stay here anymore. Not like this.”

  “What do you want me to say, Claire?” James looked up and stared at her through haunted eyes. “What’s it going to take for you to heal? Do you really want me to say I blame you? You’re pretty convinced of it anyway. Do you want me to tell you that you probably didn’t take good enough care of yourself, that maybe you worked too hard, ran too much, that you didn’t deserve to have a baby…that maybe…”

  “Stop it!” Claire put up a hand, as if that would stop the awful words assaulting her.

  He jumped off the wall, marched over and gripped her arms, his face pinched in fury. “Do you see how ridiculous that sounds? You didn’t do anything wrong, Claire! You just need to believe that.” His expression switched from anger to deep sorrow in a matter of seconds and Claire had to force herself to keep her eyes fixed on him. “But I can’t make you,” he breathed out, his voice lowering. “I don’t know, maybe you should leave. Maybe we’re not ready to work things out.”

  Tension ran like livewire between them. Somehow, in the recesses of her muddled mind, Claire knew they’d come to the end of the road.

  And she knew that he knew it too.

  James walked past her, opened the door and stepped aside. “Go. Do what you need to do.”

  Claire bit her lip, unable to move. “What’s happening?”

  He lifted his shoulders and let them fall. “I’m done.” The words caught in his throat. “When you get settled, wherever that is, the ball is in your court. Call a shrink, call a lawyer—just don’t call me until you know what it is you want.”

  This was it. That defining moment that changed peoples lives.

  There was no going back now to what they’d had. Their solid marriage, the perfect life they’d shared, all the things she’d taken for granted had been taken from them once again—the night she’d woken to bloody sheets and excruciating pain, and known something was horribly, dreadfully wrong.

  Chapter Nine

  Michelle ran a little faster, matching her pace to Kevin’s. They jogged the circuit in Central Park, passing other runners. A slight drizzle wet her cheeks and cooled her heated skin. The sun’s rays crested the trees and promised to chase the early morning rain away. After another lap, Kevin stopped at a bench to stretch. Michelle joined him and stretched out her leg muscles as Kevin chugged from his water bottle.

  “Thirsty?” He held the bottle toward her, wiping sweat from his brow.

  “No, thanks.” She shook out her arms, made a half turn and faced the small pond on the other side of the path. The sound of children’s squeals and laughter floated across the park from the playground. Michelle watched a pair of swans glide effortlessly across the water and disappear underneath a weeping willow. Swans mate for life. She read that somewhere. Marveled at the beauty in the concept, wondered why birds could get it right when so many people couldn’t.

  “You okay?” He stood by her, bending over his knees.

  Michelle drew in a breath of cool air and willed the tension out of her shoulders. “Sure. Just a cramp. Maybe I overdid it a bit.”

  Spring put on an extravagant display, blossoms bursting from the trees, crocuses and daffodils poking colorful heads through the dark earth. This was her mother’s favorite season. She’d spend hours in the garden, planting, weeding, tending to her roses and vegetables and delighting in the new growth that happened each year without fail.

  “All right.” Kevin straightened, clasping his hands behind his neck. “You want to tell me what’s going on with you? You’ve been agitated for weeks now. Unfocused.”

  Michelle folded her arms and met his searching eyes. There was no easy answer to give. Nothing he would understand or accept. She took his water bottle and drank what was left of it, then pitched it neatly into a nearby wastebasket.

  “I knew getting involved with my boss was a bad idea.” She gave a wry smile. “I’ve tried not to let it get to me, Kevin, but I guess I’m human after all. So, before I read it online, you want to give me the real story? Are you and Felicity getting back together? Are you moving back into the house?”

  She watched his eyes narrow, then widen, but nothing e
lse in his expression gave her any information.

  “Are you serious?” His chuckle was low and deep.

  Michelle stepped back, balling her fists. “It’s not funny, Kevin. It’s the hottest story out there at the moment, and everyone’s calling me for information. Information I don’t have. How do you think that feels? And don’t tell me you didn’t know this was going on. I’m not that stupid.”

  “I don’t understand.” He ran a hand down his face, staring at her like she was suddenly spouting Finnish. “Yes, I’ve been spending more time with the kids, but as far as getting back with Felicity…since when do you listen to rumors?”

  “When they have a direct impact on my life, that’s when,” she snapped, walking past him along the muddy path by the water. The stories had haunted her for weeks. Reporters were calling wanting the scoop, asking if she and the Senator had terminated their personal relationship. There were even pictures of Kevin and his ex-wife together, without the children.

  “Don’t walk away from me. Talk.” He caught up with her, waiting.

  Michelle glanced around, checking the surrounding area. An old man and his dog walked up on the pavement and a couple on bikes pedaled past. The last thing they needed was a reporter tailing them.

  “All right. Look, I know when we started dating, we agreed to keep our relationship quiet. But back then I assumed your divorce was imminent. After you were elected, I figured it would happen. That was a few months ago. You haven’t mentioned it since our conversation before Christmas.” Michelle shrugged. “I feel like I’m being played, Kevin, and I don’t like it.”

  “Stop.” Kevin took hold of her hand. “Will you listen to me for a minute?” He brushed a strand of hair off her cheek, a smile sliding across his lips. “I wanted to tell you in a more intimate setting, over a nice dinner or something, but since you’re so worked up…Felicity has agreed to it. She’s filing for divorce.”

  The light in his eyes was so bright she almost believed him. Almost believed the moment she’d been waiting for, hoping for and dreaming about had finally arrived. But she’d learned the hard way that dreams don’t come true.