Hidden in the Heart Read online

  Hidden in the

  Heart

  ~ a novel ~

  Catherine West

  Copyright © 2014, Catherine West

  Dedication

  For my sister, Pam.

  If I had known this journey would lead me to you, I would have started sooner.

  ~

  With praise and humble gratitude to my Father in Heaven. You led me every step of the way, carried me when I could go no further, gave me miracles I did not deserve.

  ~

  For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.

  My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.

  Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.

  Psalm 139: 13-16

  Praise for

  Hidden in the Heart…

  Through her novels, Catherine West reaches out to her readers, asking them to examine the deeper issues of the heart: how our failures shape our futures, what real faith looks like, and how much heartache can a marriage survive. In Hidden in the Heart, West explores the many facets of adoption, writing with gut-wrenching honesty and yet a tenderness that kept me turning pages late into the night. --- Beth K. Vogt, author of Somebody Like You, Wish You Were Here, & Catch a Falling Star

  Catherine West intricately weaves a story about one family's journey toward truth, healing, and wholeness. Hidden in the Heart is a touching tale that will leave readers with a sense that even in the midst of great hurt, God can redeem what's been lost." --- Katie Ganshert, author of A Broken Kind of Beautiful, Wishing on Willows & Wildflowers from Winter

  Catherine West's adept prose unfurls moments with the power to change lives, giving us both the dismay of heartbreak and a call to redemption in the story of two women who did not know how much they needed each other. --- Olivia Newport, author of The Pursuit of Lucy Banning

  Hidden in the Heart is a compelling love song of a novel about finding a true home in a lonely world. Gifted author Catherine West writes with lump-in-the-throat power to transport you through a family’s journey from brokenness to grace. A page-turner full of honest spiritual insight and poignant characters, this is a luminous story of forgiveness that will take hold of your heart and lift its hidden burdens. --- Rosslyn Elliott, award-winning author of Fairer than Morning and Sweeter than Birdsong

  Hidden in the Heart is a thought-provoking and powerful story that explores the depths of human despair-- and Christ's redemptive and soul-changing power. As I read Claire's story, I realized how each of my experiences, faults, mistakes and triumphs are woven together to make me who I am. And that person-- flaws and all-- is exactly the person that God created for His purposes and His designs. Full of witty dialogue and poignant examples of faith, Catherine West has captured one woman's journey to find her true self in a way that will touch each mother, daughter, sister or friend. --- Erin MacPherson, author of "The Christian Mama's Guide" series.

  Hidden In The Heart takes you on an emotional journey through the life of Claire Ferguson. A journey of loss, hope, and a promise for the future. Claire struggles through darkness, until a sleepy Maine town and its inhabitants show a glimpse of light and rest. Catherine’s gift for writing the family saga has made her one of my favorite authors. She has the talent of being able to weave together stories with such emotional power, that you feel truly blessed when you reach the end. A Catherine West novel is a must-read novel. --- Lindi Peterson, award-winning author of Her Best Catch

  Hidden in the Heart goes beyond the quick fix of discovery and delves into struggles with faith, commitment, complicated circumstances, and difficult decisions. If your family has been touched by adoption, you will want to read this well-told story. --- Lori Wildenberg, coauthor of EMPOWERED PARENTS: Putting Faith First.

  From the first page, Catherine West pulled me into the broken life of her main character Claire Ferguson. A love story on many levels, Hidden in the Heart spoke to my heart about the value of forgiveness and the ultimate beauty of love. --- Sue Harrison – International Bestselling Author of Mother Earth, Father Sky.

  Catherine West has penned a well-told story complete with flawed characters who must deal with their mistakes, heartbreak, and pain. “I’m not so sure God deals in guilt. If anything, I think He deals in forgiveness.” A lesson for us all. --- Eileen Key - Author of Cedar Creek Seasons & Sundays in Fredericksburg.

  Hidden in the Heart is a beautifully told story of a young woman's search for her birth mother. Loosely based on her own journey of discovery, Catherine West infuses a transparency and depth of emotion that is both heartrending and immensely satisfying. I couldn't put it down. Novel Rocket and I give it a very high recommendation.--- Ane Mulligan, Sr. editor, Novel Rocket, author of Chapel Springs Revival.

  CONTENTS

  Chapter One

  Chapter Two

  Chapter Three

  Chapter Four

  Chapter Five

  Chapter Six

  Chapter Seven

  Chapter Eight

  Chapter Nine

  Chapter Ten

  Chapter Eleven

  Chapter Twelve

  Chapter Thirteen

  Chapter Fourteen

  Chapter Fifteen

  Chapter Sixteen

  Chapter Seventeen

  Chapter Eighteen

  Chapter Nineteen

  Chapter Twenty

  Chapter Twenty-One

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  Chapter Twenty-Six

  Chapter Twenty-Seven

  Chapter Twenty-Eight

  Chapter Twenty-Nine

  Chapter Thirty

  Chapter Thirty-One

  Chapter Thirty-Two

  Chapter Thirty-Three

  Chapter Thirty-Four

  Chapter Thirty-Five

  Thank You!

  A Note From Catherine:

  Also by Catherine West…

  About the Author

  Chapter One

  Claire Ferguson stood outside Baby Gap, unable to look away from the Christmas display. Red velvet dresses and miniature-sized plaid waistcoats. Tiny suede boots, tiny patent leather shoes, tiny colorful striped hats and scarves.

  Everything was tiny.

  Claire stared at a little red dress, her eyes filling as she imagined and wished for the impossible.

  People filed in and out of the store, smiling, laughing. Happy. An ordinary day filled with ordinary tasks and lists of things that must be accomplished. She had no such list—just an overwhelming need to pass time quickly on this day that was not so ordinary.

  Claire shifted, almost lost her balance, but steadied herself. She waited until things came into focus again, then glanced at her watch. Late afternoon. Shoppers jostled by, oblivious to her pain, all in a hurry to get their purchases and conquer the next store in the mall.

  If only she had a reason to hurry.

  “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas,” crooned from the mall loudspeakers. Claire bit her lip and cursed Bing.

  Christmas would be merry when it was over.

  Claire tightened her grip on the numerous bags she carried and slowly moved forward. Her heel slipped on a slick patch of tile. She managed to regain her balance before falling, but the effort shook her and sent her pulse racing.

  After walking a bit, her arms began to burn. Her overflowing shopping bags were heavy, but gave a sense of accomplishment. She’d gotten out of bed
and had the purchases to prove it.

  “Claire? Hey…yoo-hoo!” A woman’s greeting floated above the noise of the crowd.

  Claire lowered her head and rummaged through her purse. She popped a few breath mints into her mouth and chewed as she weighed her options.

  Pretend she didn’t hear. Pretend to be someone else. Or turn around and face the owner of the vaguely familiar voice still calling out her name.

  Curiosity won out and Claire turned.

  “Hi, Claire! I thought that was you.” The woman waved and hurried over. Platinum blonde hair swooshed around her shoulders. “Long time no see. You remember me, don’t you?”

  “Um…” No. Claire pushed through the tangled cobwebs in her brain. “Ashley, right? High school?” The woman’s Colgate-bright smile never faltered. She could have been on the cover of a magazine. Or a toothpaste commercial.

  “Amanda. Barker.” Blue eyes twinkled as though she held some untold secret. “Gosh, it’s been a while. How are you? Have time for a coffee?”

  “Coffee?” Claire screwed up her nose. Vodka tonic would be more enticing, but whatever. She didn’t have anywhere to be. Not really. “Sure.”

  They settled around a table at Starbucks. Amanda insisted on buying, which was fine with Claire. A few minutes later she sipped an Espresso and managed a smile. “So. Amanda. What have you been up to since high school?”

  “Oh, not too much, you know. Busy. You?”

  Claire nodded. “Same. Busy. Very busy.” Busy not answering the phone. Busy surfing channels. Busy ignoring the whole world.

  Amanda stirred another packet of sweetener into her Caffè Misto. “You got married a few years ago, didn’t you? You and James?”

  A bizarre image of Guy Smiley from Sesame Street flashed before her and Claire wondered what she’d done to win a spot on This Is Your Life. She suppressed a giggle. That third drink at lunch probably hadn’t been such a great idea. “Yep. Me and James.”

  “Any kids?”

  As if on cue, a mother walked past them pushing a toddler. The kid looked her way and released a blood-curdling wail. Claire let out her breath. “Didn’t you go to Vassar?”

  “Oh.” Amanda’s pretty smile petered out as she fiddled with the top of her cup. “Yes, but I dropped out. Had a breakdown of sorts.”

  “Of sorts?” Maybe that was the same as being a little bit pregnant. A ripple of anxiety washed over Amanda’s face and Claire felt a pinch of guilt. “Hey, it’s cool. I’m the last person to be throwing judgment around.” She pulled at a loose thread on her sweater.

  Getting out of bed this morning had been tiresome enough, she hadn’t given much thought to her wardrobe. Just grabbed a pair of yoga pants and a long black sweater that covered her butt, and pushed her feet into a pair of Uggs. She took in Amanda’s pristine appearance, fumbled with her hair and tried to remember whether she’d even brushed it. “Are you…okay now?” Stupid question. Of course she was.

  “Oh, yes.” Amanda answered too quickly. “Right as rain.”

  “Funny, that.” Claire couldn’t stop a grin. “Right as rain. People always complain when it rains, don’t they? I mean, what’s right about it, really?”

  Amanda didn’t hide surprise well. She opened her mouth but no words came. She nibbled on a bran muffin and dabbed cherry lips with a paper napkin. “Um. I heard your mother died. Last year, was it? I’m sorry.”

  Of course she was sorry. Everybody was sorry. God was probably even sorry.

  Claire studied her nails. The pink polish was chipped and faded, most of her nails worn down by her chewing on them. Another habit she couldn’t seem to break. “She had cancer. Only lived a few months after her diagnosis.”

  “I’m so sorry.”

  “Yup.” Claire nodded, still pondering Amanda’s mysterious breakdown. She really wanted to ask how the accommodations were at the funny farm, because if things got any worse she might just be heading there herself. “So, what are you doing now? Now that you’re…okay?” Small talk seemed more appropriate.

  Amanda perked up at the change of subject. “Oh, a bit of this and that. I’m planning a wedding, so you know how that goes. I got engaged a few months ago.” She waved a hand, a diamond the size of a small country in Africa almost blinding Claire. “You know, Claire…when I saw you, I remembered. You were adopted too, right?”

  Hot liquid sloshed out of the small hole in the plastic lid and Claire put her cup down in a hurry. She dabbed at the mess and tried to think what an appropriate response would be. “None of your business” probably wouldn’t go over so well.

  “Too?” As Claire lifted the top off her paper cup to clean it, the lid on her memory slid off with it. “That’s right. You were the only other kid I knew who was adopted. Our mothers were friends for a while, weren’t they?”

  “When we were in eighth and ninth grade.” Amanda’s eyes got misty. “I used to love going over to your house, you were so much fun. But then we…drifted apart, I guess. You ran with the cool kids. I was a geek.”

  “Oh.” Claire pushed down the lid of her cup and prayed she hadn’t been completely horrible to this poor girl who had apparently once been a friend.

  “Anyway. I found my birth mother.” Amanda sat back, a small smile set in place. “That’s what I wanted to tell you. I thought you would understand.”

  “Your birth mother?” The words slammed into Claire, went straight for the gut, held tight and twisted. “No kidding.” She took another sip and hoped Amanda wouldn’t notice the tremor in her hand. “How? And…why? I mean, what made you decide…”

  “Oh. It wasn’t that hard, really.” Amanda blinked and gazed across the crowded room for a moment. A bizarre heavy metal version of “Jingle Bells” blasted through the speakers and they shared a smile. “And I suppose I just got tired of looking in the mirror and wondering. You know?”

  Boy, did she know. Claire shrugged. “When was this?”

  “Two years ago. I talked to my parents first, and they were okay with it. I wrote away for my non-identifying information and next thing I knew, Social Services was calling to put me in touch with her.”

  “How’d that go?” A slow pounding began in her temples and Claire swallowed down the urge to puke. There was something wrong about this—having this conversation—today, on the anniversary of her mother’s death. Amanda of course, couldn’t know that. Couldn’t know that Claire had, of late, thought of doing the very same thing.

  Searching.

  Searching for answers. Searching for truth. As if somehow knowing the truth would help her get her life back.

  Thoughts of whether or not to proceed had become an obsession.

  Of sorts.

  Maybe Melanie was right. “There are no coincidences, Claire. Only Godincidences.” Claire could hear her best friend now. “It’s a sign. You should do it.”

  The only sign Claire wanted to see was the one that said “BAR.”

  She turned her attention back to her long lost friend and hoped she hadn’t missed anything earth shattering.

  “We’re not that much alike, and after the first meeting…” Amanda prattled on. “But you know, did you ever think about it? I mean, your mom’s gone now.”

  “Me? Oh, no.” Claire checked her watch and frowned. She had to meet James for dinner. “Hey, this was great, but I should get going. My husband…we have plans.” Of sorts.

  “Yes, of course. Well.” Amanda foraged in her Marc Jacobs bag and came up with a gold-embossed business card. “Give me a call sometime, Claire. And if you change your mind, you know, about searching, I’m here to help.”

  “Thanks. It was great to see you.”

  “Merry Christmas.”

  “Sure. You have a good one.”

  Claire waded through the sea of shoppers until she reached the doors to the parking lot and stumbled outside. Cold air brought clarity and she breathed deeply. She clasped her elbows and willed the trembling to stop, willed the world to stop spinning as she tried to
get her bearings, and headed in the general direction she hoped she’d parked.

  She needed to get out of here. But to what?

  Claire stopped walking and stared at the slush beneath her feet. The knot in her stomach pulled tight. James would be expecting her.

  He wanted to talk. Again.

  Claire had run out of words a long time ago.

  She turned and entered the warm building again, scanned the area and spied a TGI Friday’s. It was a bit too early for food, but that didn’t matter.

  She wasn’t planning on eating.

  Two hours and several drinks later, Claire peered at her reflection in the bathroom mirror. Maybe she should call a cab. She splashed some water on her face, spritzed a little perfume on her neck and picked up her bags.

  After waiting half an hour for a cab to come into sight, Claire’s feet were frozen. She gave up and headed back to her car. She hadn’t had that much to drink.

  She maneuvered her car down the back roads as carefully as she could. Snow started to fall and got heavier by the minute. Claire shook her head and cursed the snow. Cursed herself for being so stupid.

  Staying in bed today would have been the more sensible solution.

  She’d been doing better. Almost convinced she could make it through the holidays. Now all she could think about was Mom, and that stupid conversation she’d had with Amanda.

  Pain rushed her with such force she considered pulling off the road to expel the liquid sloshing around in her stomach. She was re-living it all over again. That long, dark night when her world had shattered like a Christmas ornament dropped from the highest branches of the tree.

  “She’s gone, Claire…”

  They all thought death was something you could prepare for. Thought if you read up, prayed up and clammed up, it would all be okay.

  Her father read books and retreated into silence.

  James went to church, put them all on the prayer chain and talked to God.

  And Claire just ignored it and hoped the day would never come.

  But it had come. Come and gone. And taken her mother with it.

  A blast of sirens jolted her back to the present. Her SUV swerved and she pulled on the wheel, slowing until the vehicle straightened. Obnoxious blue and red flashing lights intensified the pain in her head. Claire swore, flicked on her turn signal and pulled over. Just what she needed to make a crappy day even crappier.